Film ideas might spark interest of studios | steelers.football …

by on May 2, 2010

I have a few ideas for summer movies.

Any Hollywood studio that would like to give the green light to these concepts in exchange for a few million dollars is welcome to call me.

• Gold(man) Finger

James Bond takes on Wall Street in an action thriller.

Greedy financiers have invented an investment vehicle so enticing yet so convoluted that it threatens to suck up the world supply of money, leading to a collapse of civilization.

as usual, Bond seduces beautiful women and employs amazing weaponry as he battles his way into the new York boardroom at the epicenter of the threat.

“Human life teeters on the brink,” he shouts at the assembled bankers. “You must stop before all is lost.”

“Actually, we’ve taken a short position on human life,” the bankers respond. “Our losses shouldn’t be too bad.”

• Iron City Man

A star quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers tells his coach that he has discovered a suit of armor that makes him invincible on the football field.

“Off the field seems to be where your problem lies, Ace,” the coach notes.

In fact, the suit does lift the quarterback to a fantastic performance in the next game. But, that night, he loses the armor while playing beer pong at a sorority party.

• The Twilight Saga: Parking

Columbus restructures its parking-meter fees, including provisions to enforce some meters late into the evening.

Vampires and werewolves, accustomed to free parking on their after-dark jaunts, are outraged.

“This fee falls disproportionately on the creatures who work so hard to lend Downtown the allure that hip urbanites crave,” says a spokesman for the Central Ohio Vampire Coalition. “Without ghouls roaming the street to add a hint of danger, you might just as well be in Hilliard.”

Hearing that, Hilliard officials immediately pass a zoning ordinance against vampires, werewolves and hip urbanites.

• Shrek Deported

Arizona passes a tough law against undocumented ogres but pledges not to engage in racial profiling when enforcing it.

Reassured, Shrek steps outside and is arrested 15 seconds later.

“I thought you said there would be no racial profiling,” Shrek protests.

“You, above all, should know a fairy tale when you hear it,” a police officer responds.

Shrek is sent back to his native land. Ultimately, the U.S. Supreme Court rules the ogre law unconstitutional. But Shrek is still barred from re-entering the United States, out of fear he will appear in yet another sequel.

• The Ohio “Express”

When a murder occurs on Ohio’s new 3-C train, a detective sets out to find the culprit.

But, before the crime can be solved, the passenger line is put out of business by a revived Erie Canal, whose mule-driven boats actually go faster than the train.

Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist.

Film ideas might spark interest of studios